Help! How will I know I found the “right person” to care for my loved one?

Let’s be honest: there comes a time as a care partner when you say, “Help, I can’t do this anymore.”

It’s not giving up but a cry for relief.

For me, it was a call to action. I needed to find someone to come into my home and be with my husband so I could be me for a few hours. I needed to lighten my load and prepare for when things got tough. My husband’s Alzheimer’s needs increased on a trajectory that required more and more of me, and I had less and less to give. I also was committed to keeping him in our home unless there were no other options.

The NPR health newsletter reports that most people with dementia are cared for at home by members of their family. It’s a heavy load, yet accepting outside assistance amid emotions of guilt and sadness can be daunting. That’s why people who know my story frequently ask me, “How will I know if it’s the “right’ person” for the job?”

This question gets to the core of good hiring practices.

Here are some things care partners might consider when taking this significant step in self-care. While not guaranteed to find the “right” person, following a process might get you closer.

Let’s start with some basic considerations.

First, remember that you are hiring someone to work for you.

As harsh as it sounds, you are renting their behaviors. You are the voice of yourself and of your loved one. It’s hard to think like a boss when you feel vulnerable and uneasy about bringing someone into your home, especially to handle some of the most personal tasks. Not only was my husband concerned about his modesty, but I had to let someone wash and fold my underwear.

Libby Doran hires many people as principal and founder of Doran Leadership Group. “This type of hiring is a head and heart process,” she says. “Your heart might react to someone, but data is equally important.”

Try to get a pool of 3-4 candidates.

Recommendations from friends are nice to have. However, their “amazing” person may not be right for you. There are listings of local social service agencies and even some volunteers available. Most online services like www.care.com and reputable homecare companies do background checks, which can be comforting.

Determine where you are on the caregiving continuum.

To maximize the benefit of the service you get and set the hourly fee, understand that help will come from the right person at the right time. That means identifying “pain points” or needs for you and your loved one. I began with a companion for my husband who took him on outings and ran errands for me. When his needs exceeded her abilities, we moved to a health aide who handled personal hygiene, allowing him to show up clean-shaven and dressed so we could enjoy each other as husband and wife. She also did light housework. When his care became more intense, I moved to a medically skilled caregiver trained in Hospice care.

Once you identify potential candidates, a structured interview process will help you sort and qualify.

Start with a quick screening.

Done virtually or by phone, a few good questions can identify candidates worth pursuing. While asking about their experience, licensures, hourly rate, and availability, listen underneath the words for red flags. For example, in one screening interview, the candidate mentioned she doesn’t like to drive in the winter. I live in Minnesota; we have winter days when she would be needed.

Move to in-person conversations.

Using open-ended questions generates a conversational approach that will reveal job capabilities and what motivates them. Robyn Birkeland, an interventionist with the Families and Long-Term Care team at the University of Minnesota, recommends listening for clues that indicate they genuinely care about people and the job. “They should be curious about you and the care recipient.”

Doran says the best predictor is asking candidates to tell stories about their experience. Then listen for qualities important to your situation. These usually start with “Tell me about a time when . . .” I heard empathy and kindness when a candidate described a good day at work with a story about how she handled the “wonderful man” she cared for who was extremely agitated over his disability. I eliminated a candidate when her story indicated she required a lot of supervision. I wanted someone to make my life easier. Today, we can do virtual interviews. Had I done that, I wouldn’t have known about one candidate’s heavy use of perfume, which was problematic.

Ask for 2-3 references.

Of course, candidates will give you names that will sing their praises. Typically, callers are so anxious to hear positive comments that they don’t ask hard questions. Questions like what would you have liked to see more or less of? What made it easy for you? What made it hard?

Introduce your loved one and observe.

Dementia care partners know that their loved one is almost tethered to them, which makes it challenging to introduce a new person. Birkeland says, “Trusting someone else to care for your relative is a leap of faith. Do a trial run. Routine is good, and consistency builds familiarity and comfort, so give it a good try. But remember, you are not locked in.”

Ultimately, finding the “right” person requires realistic expectations. You may not know what you need, but they should. A cautiously optimistic process of listening for individuals who bring care to their caregiving could mean that a warm bath and refreshing nap are in your future.

A final note: My last and favorite caregiver surprised me when she said that during the hiring process, she was interviewing me to make sure we were a family she wanted to put her heart in.